Complications
by stitchingirl
Summary: Takes place during "Closet". Olivia reflects on her relationship with Kurt Moss.


**Complications**

She never planned on starting a relationship with Moss. Nor did she even plan on going to the bar the night they met. She just needed a drink in an attempt to forget the night. How easily she could find herself at the bottom of a bottle, find herself in her mother's footsteps of trying to deal at the travesty life seemed to throw her way.

That had been when Kurt walked through the door. He had been older, his temples peppered with grey hair. He had a constant, slight smile, as if he knew the secrets of the world but refused to give them away. It had been hard to miss his charismatic aura. She hadn't even realized she was staring until he actually made his way over, his smile widening slightly in the process.

They fell into an easy conversation about everything from which football team they rooted for to what their favorite restaurants were. When the topic turned to their jobs, Olivia mentally braced herself. The mere mention of her job either turned off men, or made them want to know more. Upon hearing she worked in Special Victims for the last nine years, Kurt simply commended her for her devotion. When she asked what he did, he proudly told her he worked for _The New York_ _Ledger_.

Lovely. _Another_ reporter.

Her experience with reporters wasn't one she looked upon fondly. Jackson Zane and Nick Ganzner's names had come to mind, and were as opposite as two reporters could get. Both were ambitious when it came to their writing, and she often wondered how Jackson would have handled the case about the Subway Rapists during her first year in the unit. She foolishly believed Nick had been a decent guy. He said all the right things, did all the right things which made her feel sexy, mistakenly forgetting he was a reporter, a lesson she learned the hard way. Of course she didn't find out about that mistake until Cragen informed her that the details of her case were in the paper the following morning. As if that hadn't been bad enough, Ganzner wanted to play a game of 'What Would You Do' by grabbing her around the arms and pretending to be the Subway Rapist. It was all she could do not to shoot him in the middle of her living room.

By the time she met Jackson six years later, Olivia believed she knew all about reporters. They were not to be trusted, using the pretense of a relationship in order to garner the next 'hot' story. And at first she was convinced Jackson would be the same. Not that they became romantically involved. He had nearly cost them the life of an innocent little girl, after all. The truth behind that case had been more than either of them had expected or were prepared for. Anthrax had arrived in New York City and no one knew. At least not until she met up with Jackson. Someone _had to_ inform the public. The damn Federal bastards wanted to sweep the whole thing under the rug.

What else could she do?

Jackson had paid the price for her decision with eighteen months behind bars in an attempt to protect her. That hadn't been entirely true, however. It was for the story, but it had been her who brought the story to his attention. He easily could have given the Feds her name. Instead, he told her not to come back to the prison, he had been willing to 'pay the price', as he was the one who wrote the story. She knew from Casey he was now freed without ever giving the authorities her name.

Then she had met Kurt Moss.

Things with Elliot were growing more complicated, which scared her. They didn't do 'complicated' very well. Her running to Oregon came to mind. True, she been helping the Feds, but it had also been her feelings for her partner that was the underlying reason for her 'defect'. She wasn't even sure when her feelings for him had changed. He started off as her mentor, taking her under his wing and showing her how things were done in the unit. Quickly forging a bond between them, easily becoming best friends as partners did. They looked out for each other. Relied on each other. He was the only family she had. It was her responsibility to make sure he went home every home to his real family. But it slowly changed for her. Elliot quickly became more important to her than either of them had realized.

All of that came to a head to a head that night in the warehouse. It still shook her how easily Elliot was convinced she would be responsible for his death. How could he expect her to live with that on her conscious? Knowing _she_ killed _him_? How could he ask her to do that?

She had to leave after that. Just to get a moment to catch her breath. Just for a few weeks Cragen promised her. It wasn't meant to be punishment, but she knew that would be how Elliot would take it.. Just like his wife—someone else daring to leave him without saying anything to him. But she wasn't married to him. She was just his partner, and at that moment she wasn't sure if they were even that much.

Elliot had reacted exactly as Olivia had expected, by lashing out on the temporary partner Queens SVU had sent down to work in her place. Elliot never did respond well to change. No further proof was evident then when he gotten into the fight with Blaine. Even from her new job in Computer Crimes, she heard about the fight. She had to see him. Just- _had to_. Needed to see for herself if he was okay.

He was angry. She saw that flashing in his blue eyes. In all the years of working together, he never looked at her like that. Not like _that_. Angry and flat. She felt ashamed, feeling the need to run. Wanting to ask him to forgive her. Couldn't he understand why she left? Of course not. He just saw it as her leaving. Yet someone else who left him without a word. She tried apologizing. The words sounding weak to her ears. But in the end she couldn't stay away. Neither from the unit or from Elliot.

God help her, she couldn't stay away.

The night Kurt came over for a romantic dinner at her apartment had been interesting, to say the least. Dinner was nice with light conversation, finding safe subjects other than their occupations. Moving to the living room with their wine glasses, he had instantly spotted the pictures of her and Elliot. Damn, she had forgotten about them. Naturally it prompted the usual questions. Who was the man was, how long did they knew each other, were they still in contact? Questions she didn't really want to answer for him, much less to herself. She waited for the infamous question to come.

 _Are you two more than friends?_

She explained Elliot was her partner, purposely leaving out her true feelings for him. How did one even begin explaining that complication? He was her partner, but she was in love with him? What the hell Kurt Moss even been doing sitting in her living room? Thankfully he didn't ask. Some things were better left unsaid, and this definitely was one of them. Maybe he even figured out that much for himself.

Her relationship with Kurt continued to grow. She even allowed herself to start relaxing around him without questioning his intentions. But there still was that one part of herself she just could not seem to give him. That one part of herself which she knew belonged to Elliot.

Elliot.

She wished she could have told her partner about Kurt. He would have said he was happy for her. But deep down they both knew he would have been jealous. She didn't want to purposely hurt Elliot. But it was almost too overwhelming for Olivia to be around Elliot, to have that one person know just about everything about her. With Kurt it was easier. She could reveal parts of herself that she choose. He already knew her mother had been an alcoholic, who died some time ago. He also knew it had been just her and her mother while growing up. But it was Elliot who knew the truth. Maybe it was her fear of having Kurt look at her as if she were 'damaged goods', or even in pity, that prevented her from admitting that much to him. Elliot never thought of her like that, or even looked at her in such a manner. But she still couldn't tell Kurt the truth.

Kurt told her about himself and that felt like it was enough. She knew he graduated from Columbia, and he was the oldest of two sons. His brother was a stock broker for some Fortune 500 company. Their parents were proud of both sons, bragging to their friends of their sons' achievements. Olivia couldn't remember the last thing her mother bragged to anyone about with her. Perhaps making the police force, only to constantly fight about Olivia's decision to join the unit. Or maybe proud she made Detective First Grade, never having the chance to see her daughter to advancing. A few months after they started dating, she finally agreed to come over to Kurt's apartment. His apartment was the typical bachelor pad. Small, clean, and decorated very tastefully even if there wasn't much furniture. The typical antique corner desk one expected from a distinguished columnist would possess cluttered with papers for ideas about ideas about upcoming columns and interviews. The walls were adorned with placques and awards with framed articles he had written over the years.

He had reassured her they would move at her pace. He had just had gotten out of a long-term relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious too quickly. Just someone to have fun with, perhaps dinner and a movie. She was easy to talk to. Unlike some of the other women he previously dated. She wasn't looking to get laid right off the bat. That seemed to be the biggest peril of dating. Everyone wanted the fast track to the bedroom without getting to know each other first. Olivia hoped their pictures wouldn't cross her desk in the near future as a perp due to their eagerness. It did happen.

Just as she started believing she could keep her two worlds separated, the bottom fell out for her. She mistakenly revealed the truth about a famed football player and IAB was informed. She was dragged in front of Tucker, who questioned her about the phone records which showed her calling Moss on several occasions. So much for keeping her relationship secret. But it was seeing Elliot standing in Kurt's office which truly jarred her the most. She could handle whatever bullshit Tucker tried throwing at her. But it was seeing her two worlds in the same room which threw her off. How could she not have known Elliot would take it upon himself to help her out? To intrude in her personal life once again.

Damn him.

Only…she couldn't be angry at him. At least not for too long. Of course Elliot had a plan which helped her by suggesting Kurt contact IAB to reassure them she was not the leak in the Haver case. However Kurt worded it, it had been enough for her suspension to be lifted. But it wasn't enough to stop Kurt's questions. Was Elliot the reason she wouldn't move in with him? Per her usual style, she simply side-stepped the question and eventually ended things with him. The truth was Elliot was the reason for many things in her life, but she wasn't ready to admit that outright to anyone. At least not yet.

Elliot _said_ he was happy that she found someone. But there was still that underlying sadness and she even noticed a glint of jealousy in his blue eyes. Olivia had to admit it was infuriating and aggravating he was so predictable when it came to her. Surprisingly, he wasn't even surprised when she ended things with Kurt. Even going so far as to say he knew it wasn't really serious. Instead of getting angry at him for making such assumptions about her relationship, she simply asked him to join her for a drink at their favorite watering hole. He had to cut the night short, stating he had an early morning in court and needed all the 'beauty sleep' he could get. On his way out, he patted her on the back, giving her some tired line about finding the right one when she least expected it.

Maybe she already had.


End file.
